Deadpool, 2016

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SPOILERS

It’s not a horror movie – but I don’t care. I just saw Deadpool at a preview and I’m going to review it with FULL spoilers. This is probably as horrific as Marvel will get. And he does look like Freddy Kreuger face fucked a topographical map of Utah.

So the movie starts out with the opening credits showing a freeze frame of the infamous bridge sequence we are all so familiar with. There’s lots of 4th wall breaking already, including Reynolds on the front page of a magazine, a Green Lantern trading card, etc.

The bridge sequence forms the backbone for much of the movie with Deadpool breaking the 4th wall to tell us all about his past and what has lead up to this moment.

So we hop back to a moment when Wade, working as a heavy for hire, goes to an apartment to scare the pizza guy who is stalking some teenage girl. Wade is not a hero – but he likes to help out the little people who can’t help themselves. He’s the bad guy who beats up the worse guys. I thought this scene was really weak, fun – but weak. How many teenage girls hire a merc to scare off teenage stalker pizza delivery boys?

We then head over to Weasel’s place where all the mercs hang out and get hired. I don’t like Weasel that much. He’s just ok. He has some funny lines but I don’t think TJ Miller is a very good comic actor. Again, he’s a bit weak.

Then Deadpool meets his future baby-mama, best girl, etc. Vanessa. She’s a prostitute/stripper who spends most of the movie displaying her boobs and legs in her wonderfully trashy outfits. She’s Wade’s crazy soul mate. I found their dialogue together silly. The sex scenes were fun, I could believe they were a couple – but the character was weak.

Immediately after Wade proposes to Vanessa he faints and then discovers he has terminal cancer. Almost as quickly “Agent Smith” turns up in a bar and offers Wade a chance to join a programme which will save his life and give him super powers.  After a very short period of soul searching, Wade goes off to the programme.

Here he meets Dr Francis and his heavy, Angel Dust who have already been through the programme and come out with mutant super powers. Francis has super fast reflexes but can’t feel anything. Angel Dust is super strong. Wade is injected with serum but for it to activate his ‘mutant genes’ he has to be tortured. Francis (Ajax) is a sadistic shit head who doesn’t care if Wade dies in the process.

I think Ed Skrein is pretty weak as Francis. He isn’t menacing – he’s a shit. A nasty little shit you want to see get fucked over. But there’s just something really bland about Skrein and I didn’t like his performance at all. A British villain is usually pretty bankable but this guy is like a poor man’s Luke Goss. Deadpool even makes a reference to Blade II.

So anyway, they torture Wade until his mutant healing genes finally activate. The whole weapon x segment is genuinely dark and disturbing. Wade is sealed in an oxygen tube which keeps him on the brink of asphyxiation and Francis intends to continue torturing him even after he’s turned mutant. They don’t want him as a super hero, they want him to be a slave and he will never see Vanessa again. His regenerative powers cause him to become disfigured as they constantly fight the cancerous tumours, which manifest on his skin as lesions and deformities.

Wade breaks out by stealing a match from Angel Dust and torching the place with his oxygen tube. Unfortunately he kills lots of innocent victims at the weapon x facility in the process. Bad Deadpool.

Back in the present day, Wade is tracking down Francis in search of a cure for his disfigurement and revenge. Unfortunately for him, the x-men Collossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead turn up and stop him from killing Francis. Collossus is attempting to convince Deadpool to join the X-men when Francis escapes. Deadpool cuts off his own arm to escape from Collossus and continue the chase.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead is totally awesome. Collossus is goofy and silly. He was an odd choice. The voice acting is awful. But it nicely captures Deadpool’s relationship with the X-men.

Francis goes to Weasel’s place and finds a pic of Wade and Vanessa on the wall. Wade just misses the opportunity to save Vanessa from Francis, who kidnaps her. Wade then enlists the help of Collossus and NTW to save Vanessa, as it’s basically their fault he got away in the first place.

A big fight ensues. Wade kills Francis. Him and Vanessa get back together. The end.

The after credits sequence is Deadpool in a robe telling everyone to go home. But he then reveals that CABLE is going to be in the sequel. He hasn’t been cast yet.

What have I missed? The whole film felt pretty short – partly because the way it’s told is in flash backs but also because some parts do feel rushed. 90 minutes really feels short for an origins movie.

Other than that my biggest complaints are some of the supporting characters. I really didn’t like Vanessa, I wanted to but couldn’t. She annoyed me and they were trying too hard to make her super sexy and awesome. I hated Francis and I thought Weasel was totally ‘meh.’

Ryan Reynolds is pretty good as Deadpool. But it is definitely Ryan Reynolds AS Deadpool – it’s not quite Deadpool somehow. And that’s cool. It’s Deadpool enough. Much better than last time around.

I didn’t like the romance but I’m an unfeeling bitch so there you go. I liked the moments when it got darker and more disturbing.

The violence is waaaay out there for a Marvel movie. Deadpool does indeed burn a guy’s forehead with an in car cigarette lighter then force it into his mouth. Another guy does get turned into a human pizza when he hits a wall very fast. People get decapitated. He kills three guys with one bullet. He chops off his own hand. He is tortured, horribly. It’s pretty tame by Deadpool standards when you think about it – but for Marvel, it’s brutal.

Yes there is also full frontal (female) nudity and sex. Deadpool gets pegged by his girlfriend in one scene. And there’s loads of swearing and dirty jokes.

Overall I liked it but I was expecting a bit more. A lot of the humour didn’t work for me.

You’ve really seen the whole movie if you’ve already watched the trailers. The fight scenes are longer. There are more jokes (though you’ve heard most of the best ones). There’s a bit more character exposition (but not an awful lot). The soundtrack is awesome but again – it’s all on the trailer. I would have liked to see more of Deadpool being Deadpool rather than Deadpool getting angsty about his girlfriend. But it’s a good start. Hopefully it’s going to get a lot better as this franchise clearly has legs. Big strong legs. But I hope it gets to feel a bit more like the comic books. I want bat shit crazy Deadpool. I want thought bubbles and scizophrenic behaviour, Chumichangas and horrible personal hygiene. I want endless dick jokes and borderline sexual molestation. The unicorn bit was good. It’s an ok start. Give me MOAR.