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V/H/S: a horror film made by people with ADHD for people with ADHD.

Yet another lost footage horror –  this one plays out as a series of unconnected supernatural snuff movies. These segments are loosely grouped together by the central story, where a group of men film themselves watching these snuff tapes.

Yea, the premise really is that dumb. But don’t worry, V/H/S won’t give you the opportunity to dwell on the ludicrous aspects of its format – as it crushes 6 separate stories into its 115 minute run time. And if you find yourself feeling bored at any point, you can rest assured that you are just seconds away from seeing yet another member of the interchangeable characters bumped off. Or just seconds away from one of the female cast members flashing her boobs.

Oh yea, that’s another thing. The frequency with which women appear nekkid on screen, either by choice or as a result of a man tricking/forcing them into stripping, made me suspect that this would turn out to be a plot point – especially when an early segment involves a succubus. But no, tits is tits – and they are only there in case the breakneck, mindbogglingly disjointed plot threatens at any moment to bore you. Silly me for thinking this film might actually have some point to it. Oh, did I actually start to use my brain? Quick, more boobs!

There are a few interesting moments and the odd scare but any atmosphere is totally ruined by the retarded screaming of the characters in every bloody segment. Morons jumping up and down and screaming at a camera which appears to be operated – at all times – by an epileptic recovering alcoholic on a whirlitzer – is something of a mood killer. Add to that some of the worst dialogue ever consigned to celluloid. And horrible, horrible characters.

This film is a mess. In reality, each separate story requires the attention span of a goldfish to follow the plot. But not knowing that each segment is self-contained, the viewer will try desperately to link the plots together – and as a result be left dazed, confused and very annoyed.

This film was a moronic idea, made by morons, presumably for morons. If your idea of the perfect horror film is one that blows its entire budget on special effects and girls with big tits – rather than producing something with any semblance of quality  – then you are one of the aforementioned morons this movie is marketed at. Now get off my blog you cretin!!!

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