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teh horror

teh horror 

I saw this when it first came out at the cinema, I don’t know why I didn’t review it sooner…oh no, wait…yes I do…it’s because it was a steaming pile of horse shit.

That wouldn’t normally put me off writing a review, as ranting about horror films probably makes up a good 50% 60% 75% proportion of the content here. That the horror genre is saturated with epic amounts of asshattery should not deter any horror fan from expressing an opinion. Unless of course they are gore-hounds  under the age of 21, or a total moron – sadly this rules out a good 90% of the fan base. But there are some films so insipid, so devoid of even the faintest flicker of inspiration, that it hardly seems worth ranting about.

Q. What do you get if you take Paranormal Activity 2 and throw in all the bad shit from Paranormal Activity 3 (i.e. the last 20 minutes)?

A. That’s right, Paranormal Activity 4! The movie that everyone was asking for – with the premise NOBODY wanted.

In a blatant attempt to milk this cash cow for all its worth, we are presented with an utterly irritating and unnecessary diversion. Think Lost – only not quite such an epic waste of your time/braincells/life. Did you ever wonder what happened to Hunter after Katie rescued him from his totally retarded family?! No? Neither did I.

Well, not only is this film going to tell you what happened, but it will do so via the intercession of a family whom you a) never met before b) couldn’t give a shit about and who c) will be dead by the end of this movie.

The Brady Bunch we are subjected to includes: Alex (surprisingly likeable but very dull), her moronic parents, little brother Wyatt and his creepy-friend-from-next door Robbie. When his mother is taken ill, Robbie comes to stay with the family.

What happens next? Very fucking little. Turns out that Wyatt is adopted and he’s really Hunter. Creepy Robbie from next door is living with Katie. Why? Don’t know, don’t care. There’s some totally ghey sub-plot about needing a virgin sacrifice for a satanic ritual – but in reality, he’s only there to serve up as a fish of the red variety. And of course because PA4 only rehashes the shit parts of PA3 there is no Toby. Bastards. TOBY or GTFO!

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Product placement AND a low cost effect? You. Cheap. Bastards.

The scares in this film are few and far between and can all be categorised as 1) ghostly apparitions appearing in the pixel dots from an Xbox Kinect when viewed through a night vision camera 2) youtube quality demon faces and 3) Katie Featherston appearing in over shoulder shots and snapping her victim’s necks like twiglets.

Speaking of twiglets and Katie Featherston, the most disturbing thing about this film is perhaps that the divinely curvy actress has finally succumbed to the constant bullying of the Pro-Anorexia Society. These monstrous individuals promote the suppression and abuse of non-Anorexic women who dare to appear in public without a plague bell and full burka. Their idea of an attractive woman looks something like a surf board with two bowling balls attached to the front, rotten teeth, yellow skin, visible spine and ribs. Remember: if a woman doesn’t have a figure like a twelve year-old with implants, she has no place in Hollywood.

Don’t watch this movie, it sucks. Either Paranormal Activity is suffering from the Reverse Star Trek Effect – or number 3 was an anomaly and it’s going to suck balls like an industrial strength Dyson for the rest of its sequels. I’m betting on option 2.

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