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Dark Skis is the terrifying story of the demonic possession of British sporting hero, Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards…

No?

Oh all right. That would have been better though.

Dark Skies is the dull and predictable tale of a family terrorised by unearthly forces, though here demonic possession has been cut and alien abduction pasted in its place.

Considering the last film of any note to attempt something like this was M.Night Shymalan’s crap-fest Signs, you would be wise not to set your hopes too high.

Alien abduction + wholesome American family = massive fail

This is undoubtedly one of the laziest films I have seen in a while. Watching it you can visualise the list of horror essentials being checked off by the “painting by numbers” creative staff. Smugly clasping their copy of “horror movies for dummies they have included:

Family facing a generic dilemma (insert: financial, dad has no job)

Family face much greater dilemma (insert: demons? Nah, over saturated market. Ghosts? Too old school. How about – aliens!!! Omg, so original guise!)

Back story and mythos: check (insert: mum using search engine which has been carefully designed to look as much like google as possible without actually being google. She finds pages on alien abduction, oh mah gahd! Also insert wizened old fart to give us some totally unnecessary back story and cue…)

Family bonding in the face of adversity to re-establish good ol’ family values! Except this is 2013 you guise and mainstream horrors are totally post-modern so they fail at bonding. But they fail in such a way that they can milk this potential cash-cow for all she’s worth with sequels. Great.

Or to put it another way:

1. Introduce all American family with photogenic kids living in a fucking mansion

2. Throw in some demons aliens

3. ???

4. Profit!!!

In this instance ??? is twofold and you have seen it all before:

Firstly weird (supposedly terrifying) schizzle happens. In this case we have major household bird-strike and mum repeatedly twatting herself on a window. Also the odd glimpse of 3 alien figures and distorted images on dad’s array of household night vision cameras. (Please note that these are supplied by a man who can’t afford therapy for his son while watching cable and living in a fucking mansion). Also youngest kid is having dreams about the sandman.

Btw, aliens travel billions of light years to mess with your shit. Activities include, eating everything in your fridge except the bacon (who knew aliens were Jewish? The conspiracy nuts are gonna shit rainbows over that one), rearranging your kitchen utensils and stealing your family pictures). Teh horror! They also stick probes behind your ears and bruise your kids so your friends and neighbours think you are a violent and abusive bastard. Oh also, according to Dark Skies if you suffer from ringing in your ears, nose bleeds and allergies you are totally getting dicked around with by aliens my friend.

That’s right. Aliens: they’re in it for teh lulz.

Secondly is the amazing twist that…ah fuck it, the aliens were after big bro all the time. It’s so obvious from the way they keep mentioning “Jesse’s allergies” and “Jesse’s mystery illness” and “btw did I mention how Jesse nearly died as a kid” and “Jesse do you remember that time you nearly died as a kid?” Or even “have you met Jesse? He nearly died as a kid!!” Jesse’s moronic parents are still clueless even AFTER aliens stamp a brand on their first born, they may as well have tattooed a target on his forehead with the words “ET’s BITCH” mom and pop would have been none the wiser. Also Jesse smoked pot and touched a girl’s boob (outside of marriage!!) so by horror standards he was totally asking for it.

Aliens are dicks. Parents are morons. Kid was asking for it. This film sucks, move along.

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