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This film is the answer to the question:

What would happen if you combined The Da Vinci Code with the Blair Witch Project?

A question that quite frankly nobody fucking asked and even fewer wanted an answer to.

It’s lazy, badly scripted, even more poorly conceived and totally devoid of atmosphere. I hated it.

So what’s this nonsense all about? A gaggle of pretty young cardboard cutouts wander around the secret tunnels under Paris looking for Nicholas Flammel’s Philosopher’s Stone while babbling incoherently about alchemy, archaeology and history. The film maker’s approach to expressing plot mechanisms and central concepts is for their characters to get very excited and talk very quickly so that you can’t follow a damn they’re saying. Although from the snatches of dialogue I could decipher – this was probably for the best.

There’s little point bemoaning the idiocy of a film that refers to alchemy as science, head lamps as cameras (they’re new incredibly small cameras obviously) and respected academics as Lara Croft (only less believable). Their knowledge of their subject matter appears to have been gathered from watching Indiana Jones and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

This film is just dreadful and incredibly dull. I would have been totally confused by the end – if I could have been bothered to summon up that much interest. Who was the goth chick priestess with the hilarious bug eyed stare? Don’t know, don’t care. What was all that inverted world stuff they were babbling about? Well – actually quite a fascinating concept but one which was sucked of all interest in this ridiculous snore fest.

As Above So Below is lazy, disjointed and totally devoid of any redeeming characteristics. The marketing for this movie displays far more talent – being both more engaging and atmospheric. It’s just such a shame it’s attached to this shitty, shitty film.

Avoid. Watch The Tunnel instead and marvel at what can be achieved with loads of passion and very little budget.

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