Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

pyramid_ver4

Oh yeah. The curse is real all right. Sure as hell nobody who worked on this steaming pile of horse shit will ever be taken seriously again. And anyone who watches it, will have wasted 90 minutes of their life that they can never get back.

Oh my god this movie is a load of old BALLS. You don’t need a synopsis for this crap: stupid people, in a pyramid, getting killed by Anubis.

Yeah that’s right – I said ANUBIS. And he looks awful. Really tacky horrific CGI. He looks more like a rubber crocodile on two legs. There are some undead CGI cats wandering around. Some sort of ‘mould plague.’ A few traps. Horrible ‘archaeologist’ dialogue. Dreadful characters and even worse acting.

This film is offensively bad and it’s also incredibly dull. And the list of films it blatantly rips off is unbelievable.

Firstly the older, male archaeologist is a lazy rip-off of Sam Neil’s Dr Grant from Jurassic Park. He doesn’t like modern methods or ideas in archaeology. He’s an old fart.

The whole concept is a horrible garbled mix up of von Danican’s Chariots of the Gods bullshit and the underground pyramid premise from AVP. The scene where opening the pyramid kills the Egyptian workers is blatantly the acid trap scene from The Mummy.

The inside of the pyramid is so horribly dull. It’s the same 6, gloomy rooms shown in sequence as the idiots run back and forth. The only thing to break up the monotony is a couple of traps and the odd pile of turds from the undead cats. And fuck what the archaeologist says. No way could a colony of troglodyte cats survive down there eating nothing but each other for more than 10 thousand years. And it’s that kind of bullshit that makes me want to punch retarded script writers in the face for attempting to characterise academics.

But the ripoffs don’t stop there. At the climax of the movie comes another bizarre allusion to Jurassic Park when the leading lady is saved from Anubis by a standoff between him and the killer cats. Just swap out Abubis for a T-Rex and the cats with velossal raptors and you’ll get what I mean. Believe me when I say this scene makes no sense whatsoever.

Let’s look at the assortment of characters. Aside from the poor man’s Sam Neill we also have his daughter. The wilful, sassy, young female archaeologist. My god this bitch is annoying and so interminably smug. The character is bad enough but the actress (Ashley Hinshaw) is something else. This annoying tart over acts her way through every scene to the extent that you can see the other actors getting pissed off with her theatrics. She is such an amateur it’s unbelievable. She sure as hell isn’t a giver – she demands all the attention in every fucking scene. She’ll scream and whimper and method act her irritating arse off everywhere she goes. Leaving the other cast members blinking with confusion and trying to drag each interminable scene to its end. At least the rest of the cast have the decency to look embarrassed to be there. Even that annoying prick from the Inbetweeners, who plays the cameraman.

I can’t even find enough energy to insult this turkey any more. It’s just bad on every single level. And it is so dull. Even the ending is a protracted mess – lurching from one false finish to the next, finally settling on an ‘edgy’ post-modern finish, as though we gave a shit.

Don’t watch this. In fact don’t watch anything by anyone associated with this shit ever again. People who can be part of something this bad, shouldn’t be allowed to be involved with making movies ever again.

 

 

Advertisements