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What the actual fuck?

The original Cabin Fever was made in 2002 (fuck, I feel old). Apparently there’s a market for remaking shitty horror films that aren’t even 15 years old yet. And Guess what? Eli Roth is the Executive Producer for the remake of his own shitty movie.

Oi, Eli, who the fuck do you think you are? It took Sam Raimi 32 years to remake Evil Dead. Read that again: 32 years. And Evil Dead was LOVED. It was original. It shaped a genre. The remake was shit – but that’s not the point. There was a market for that remake – we were dubious as fuck about it (with good reason, as it turns out) – but there was a point to it. It was remade with a budget, it was remade with hindsight and lessons learnt, it was a given gloss and a finish, it was leached of all heart and soul…but again, not the point.

Do you seriously think what the horror genre really need is a remake of this boring, lazy, insipid pile of garbage? The original was moderately successful AT BEST. There was nothing special about it. It wasn’t a game changer. Cabin Fever does not have a cult following. No one wears Cabin Fever t-shirts. “PANCAKES” did not become a meme – however hard some morons might have tried. (Seriously, if you laughed at that, you need some kind of therapy). You tried to make it into a franchise – but nobody cared. Because it SUCKED. It’s just a shitty gross-out movie, with a lot of lame attempts at mixing horror and humor and FAILING. Horribly.

I hated Cabin Fever in 2002 and I still hate it now. That movie had no redeeming qualities. None. And do you know what happened when I watched the trailer for the new film? I remembered just how much I hated the original.

And I can see from the trailer that this is a remake in the truest sense of the word. They are using the SAME DAMN SCREENPLAY AS THE ORIGINAL. It didn’t go down well when Gus Van Sant did that with Psycho back in 1998. And that was FUCKING PSYCHO. Hitchcock! And I’m not exactly a fan of Gus Van Sant but Jesus – even I know he’s better than you. If Psycho couldn’t do it – what in the name of Satan’s furry balls do you think you’re going to do?

From the look of the trailer all that’s been added is more gore, more hill-billy bullshit and a somewhat prettier cast (not difficult considering the abominations we suffered the first time around).

And by the way – the effects look like shit.

Eli Roth – you’re a fucking prick. This was your idea wasn’t it? Slither back under your shit stained rock and stay there, you self-important, egotistical, talentless fuck.

And to anyone who goes to see this: fuck you too. This movie deserves to bomb so hard that NO ONE involved with making it EVER WORKS AGAIN. Remaking shitty, pointless horror films does not need to become a thing. DO NOT MAKE THIS A THING.

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