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I’m finding it difficult to adequately express my contempt for this movie. I hated it even more than Cassadaga. And that bar was set pretty high.

A Cure for Wellness is a monumentally dull movie, interspersed with segments of repugnant CGI and a plot that meanders it’s way painfully into utter nonsense. Verbinski thinks he has created something clever, something deep and artsy. The man is a delusional hack. This film is grotesquely boring, intensely ugly and utterly stupid.

There are no characters, only ugly, irritating manikins with the thinnest veneer of motivation to drag the story from one unpleasant scene to the next. The two central leads are the ugliest and most irritating of them all. My god, Dane DeHann and Mia Goth are awful. Goth’s character Hannah is bug eyed and breathy. I think Verbinski thought he’d found a new Sissy Spacek (complete with a first menstruation homage). But Mia Goth’s performance put me more in mind of a lobotomised, diaper wearing, adult baby, rather than an innocent and ethereal maiden. What I’m saying is, her performance stank. Of shit. Did you get that? It was shit! And also creepy.

As for Dane DeHaan, well, is there anything to like about him? From his droning voice to his eternally smug expression. Here he is cast here as Lockhart, Patrick Bateman’s less charismatic brother. It’s hard to take DeHaan seriously as business executive when he looks like a 12 year old with progeria (or at the very least a serious meth problem). The film is so uninvested in his character arc that it is abandoned about two-thirds of the way through the movie, never to be resolved.

Also Jason Isaacs and Celia Imrie are in this movie. Which upsets me. So we’ll just pretend that didn’t happen.

I think Verbinski was aiming at Shutter Island, by way of…I don’t know…Salo? The story attempts some psychological horror but it is poorly implemented and quickly abandoned. The mythology underpinning the tale is hysterically ridiculous. The evil Doctor Volmer (Isaacs) is distilling the elixir of life from eels, filtered through the old people who he kills at his sanitarium in the Swiss Alps. For you see, he is actually a 200 year old Baron who carried our horrific experiments on the local peasants to extend his life span. He also fucked his sister. And now wants to fuck his 200 year old daughter. Oh and he had his face burnt off. And now looks like a zombie pigman from Minecraft. Under his latex face mask. Yes he is basically Scooby-Doo villain. I told you it was stupid.

If you’re still insisting on watching this garbage, be aware that the ‘horror’ here is of the gross out and torture variety. A lot of it involves eels and making the main character suffer. So prepare to see Dane DeHaan having a plastic pipe shoved down his throat and then living eels tipped into his belly. And his teeth drilled without anaesthetic. Or watch Mia Goth’s attempted rape at the hands of the mouldy pigman. Where you will be subjected to gratuitously long shots of Mia Goth’s boobs. And on balance, I’d take the pigman.

Despite its art-house pretensions, there is no deeper meaning to this movie. Verbinski attempts to provide a penetrating comment on the human condition, our need to be ‘cured’ when there’s nothing wrong with us. What a facile point to make you smug dick head. There is no merging of the disparate parts of this film, they all fall away like the  meaningless chaff they are. Lockhart’s backstory leads nowhere. The Baron’s tale has no meaningful connection to this commentary. The boring side plot about the business merger is just a device to move the ‘plot’ along and to point out that people would be better off if they escaped the corporate hamster wheel. If they ‘healed’ themselves of being miserable in their race to get ahead. Thanks Verbinski. How insightful. How gracious for you, the millionaire director, to step down and tell the masses how dumb they are. You fucking hack. And also fuck you for including several scenes of unnecessary cruelty to animals.

I hate this movie. I left it feeling drained and irritated and faintly sick. I’m also now convinced that Gore Verbinski has some kind of eel rape fetish. If that’s what you’re idea of a great night in, who am I to judge?

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